Monday, May 09, 2005

a shot in the night

So, I haven't written in a long time. Mostly because I have too much to say and I have a different blog and I haven't gotten the hang of this...

But, I read Sex and the Second City religiously.

What have I been doing? Half-heartedly looking for weed, more detail work on planning the Merge, cleaning, doing this whole re-falling back in love thing... nothing and everything.

One day, I will talk about something specific. Oh! I could talk about last Saturday.

For the last year or so, my partner put a sign on his ass that said "Do Not Enter." Oh, I bitched and fumed and everything, but the truth is everytime we started to have sex, something would happen and I was offering him my ass and he was inside and we were having the most mind-blowing sex ever.

In the meantime, I have had permission to go fuck other men, you know, since he wasn't. But UGH. When I was single I was too earthy for most men. I don't look at other guys as conquests (well, not anymore) and I don't do sex without connection, I don't think I would even get hard (Liar, of COURSE I'd get hard), but also... well, I don't wanna. I like being fully versatile. I do.

Anyway, he has been trying to communicate a change of mind, but in his usual Taurean manner, could not articulate it. I didn't want to violate him so I adhered to his last word on the subject... until Saturday.

When we sleep, I hold him. It's funny... before we came together irl, he would talk about how he was the one who was never held and I complained about how I always held. ... you'd think I woulda got a clue, huh? So, I hold him and when I want to be held, I direct him towards it. I have learned, the hard way, that I have to say something because his ass misses everything. Which is good. It means I always have a backlog running in case he ever says I didn't communicate something. *grins* Anyway, this morning was no different. I was holding him and his ass was all in my shit. When this happens, which is pretty often, but depending on how horny I am... I will start dreaming about fucking him and get hard and wake up slightly to me moving against him. I have great self-control when I want to have it (*sh* don't tell anybody), and I will put distance between our bodies or just jerk off and be done with it. But Saturday morning, enough was enough. I had to have my dick in that ass and there was just nothing.

So... I checked him out... good, nice hard dick in my hand... I moved the covers and proceeded to eat his lovely ass. I don't know... I never get tired of him sexually -- even after six years. I remember when I was single I always told myself I would never partner with anyone I did not see myself having sex with for the rest of my life. I see myself having sex with a virtual sexual camel who has the ability to make me so fucking horny my personality does little Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde type things. .... it's sad, but also good. I had a *lot* of sex from 15-23. I am nearly embarassed. To have to slow down and think about my sexual self and try to figure out how to relate my sexual self to his AND have the time to connect (cuz we realized... we don't like having sex with each other without checking the connection... sometimes, we are such stereotypes of what we imagine lesbian relationships are like)... so, I welcome it.

I think I am being shy. I mean, I don't... I NEVER write or talk to anyone about this kinda stuff. It's private! *lol* Which is so funny... since in that other life of mine, nothing ever was.

Perhaps, in this forum, I could open up again... some more. I don't feel like I closed, but I did. And probably with reason. I mean... to be gay and bitch about your relationship to your gay brothers... usually they say, with hushed horrified voices, "You should break up!" *shakes head and rolls eyes* Please. If you break up with someone you love AND are compatible with AND who treats you better than you sometimes SHOULD be treated (I grew up in a house full of Southern B/black women... the way I conceive of etiquette, relationships, equality, and behavior means that sometimes, even I do not meet my expectations....), then you would be alone forever. No, that is rarely the answer. A relationship is about compromise and daring.

I dared to make a move on that ass... and it opened for me. Well, a little. He couldn't quite catch his breath to tell me to take it out and I couldn't quit throbbing after I passed through the second sphincter, so I removed myself. *grins* But it was broken. He even let me finger him and said it felt good later when I asked, out of the blue, casual, nothing big.

... I wanna do the booty dance.

But I am also semi-disgusted with myself. Semi because really, it is my own cuteness disgusting me. Cuteness like laughing too loud at his funny jokes and wit, but knowing I am laughing because that butt is open for business again and so my mirth started over-flowing.

... who am I kidding? It is STILL over-flowing.

I think I am ok with the year and some change of no booty. I have learned things about myself I didn't before know... like... I really do like bottoming -- duh. My self-worth cannot hide in my sex-drive -- I have to feel worthy from inside. I am disgustingly orgasmic. But also, I have learned a deeper connection with my dick. I didn't think that was possible, but it is. See... I dunno... at some point during all this, I felt like I was losing a part of my identity or something only to find out I was basing it in all the wrong things. It's immature to think if you aren't fucking (penetrating) someone, you ain't worth shit -- it isn't like that. I have had a long, glorious past as a top... and although people think I am always a bottom (well, maybe not -- I don't know... I am done with thinking with/for other people...)... lemme start over: I have had a long and glorious past as a top. Now, I wonder if all of it... top, bottom, even versatile is another way of restricting and limiting the kinds of sexual exploration you are open to... now, I know I am not going to stop having sex with men and only have sex with women for a year, but I wonder what I would learn if I did that...

But then, after bottoming for the first time when I was 21... I have always liked the mix of the two for a full, healthy sexuality. I mean... I broke up with Jenny, besides her personal flaws, because there was only one sexual expression with her... top... and I started to get that "itch" (btw, if you feel a real itch back there, that is probably a tear healing....)... and when I asked her if she would wear a strap-on, well, she got all pissed off and started screaming, "MY PUSSY IS GOOD ENOUGH."

Sorry Jenny, it wasn't.


I have waited a long time to write that without giving a fuck how she'd feel hearing it. It is mostly pitiful I remember and bring it up, but ah, memories and personal, subjective Truth, right?

But then I'm glad. She would have made a lousy top.

... I can't wait to top Ryan. I wonder what that will be like.


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