Ergane in Retrograde

Lessons of Light

That sound a dog makes when it is smacked on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper has been my internal emotional state. Don't worry, I am bearing it well. All it does is make me remember that I have to return to my path, direct my emotions into myself instead of fretting about everyone else -- they'll be all right. But me... I worry about me.

I finished reading Michel Foucault's The History of Sexuality vol. 1 and feel completely... rejuvenated by all the new thinking and ideas. I should probably start writing sometime soon -- decide I have enough material, but I don't know if that is ever true -- c'est la vie.

Jeanette Winterson's The Passion is what I have started reading alongside Spivak whom I adore.

I keep thinking about whether I will get in or not and realizing I have to try and make my case and sell myself as best as possible. Also, I have to figure out how to keep my emotional state as insulated as possible. Now, this may sound bad, but it is not... I have been an emotional sponge as of late and I am fucking tired of it.

Last week, tragedy did strike which lead to the ending of a friendship. However, I realized I was not actually attending to it -- it had become sentimental without growth. Anyway, Lux, our kitten, HID the entire time that ex-friend was here. I was distraught -- did this mean we should give him up? That he would never fit into to our household? As soon as that ex-friend left, Lux emerged. I learned something very important from my Cancer kitty: It's ok to hide in order to protect your emotionality.

Perhaps one of the things that makes me so formidable and intimidating to other people is that I tend to face my emotionality and yours dead on. "Bring it" has been my rallying call since I was 15. Fifteen years later, I think I am starting to really understand what it means to pick one's battles. Not every battle should be fought, the trick is to listen to my instinct because it does not mis-serve me -- my instinct is fucking brilliant. It's my emotional little Cancer Mars that takes offense and understands not only what it is being said but how it is all so horrible and must be answered.

However, if I can willfully avoid the world's dismalness, I can avoid social dismalness as well and the more power to me! How am I ever to learn how to... not control, but make useful my own sensitivities if I am always allowing myself to be sidetracked by others who are, really... just not where I am? I won't learn -- and so I take lessons from my cat.

Viva Lux0r!

posted by Ergane @ 5:34 PM