Saturday, February 18, 2006

a la moment

Thinking of my dick as an "angry inch" is very comforting to me. I imagine one more way in which I am freeing myself from the construct of dick size... because, as long as everyone's happy, who cares?

Right now: Yami snores happily on my couch.
Brandon is asleep in a cocoon beneath her.
I am drinking a tea fusion of Pitta, Bedtime and Egyptian Licorice, and behind me, a baritone singing in some language unknown, but as beautiful as Yami.

I feel... incredible love towards the world. I feel... incredible peace within the world. I feel... a part of something larger than myself even when I am not aware of it (you know, those... vast non-periods).

I am drinking this blend from Boris. My Staub, from Ryan on my 29th birthday...

29 is a really fucking horrible year -- don't let anyone fool ya.

However, getting past it is SO worth it. Life starts to look... I don't know.

As I get older, I begin to understand the one thing my father had to offer me that my mother could not give: Kindness. My father could have taught me how to be kind towards other people. How to find the higher road where I was not being used and was asserting my will... and yet not so harsh, so fraught with changes of tide and sea shell, that I would forget to speak directly instead of depending on a heart, so transparent... because really, I communicate my mind through my face... I communicate my heart through my voice... although I am still working to really hear it... to hear it pure before any of the shit I put on it...

Anyway, my father could have taught me the kindnesses my mother could not manage. And that is not a diss towards her, but I remember the kindnesses I shared with her as being very distinct spots along our mother-sonishdaughter relationship. I mean, she JUST figured out how to SPEAK to me and then it SCARES her when I listen. I can't win. Can anyone win when it comes to their mothers? My father could have shown me the kindness of not needing to win and to detach and focus that energy inwardly.

David would have done that.

I think this is the first time I have ever identified something positive he could have contributed to my upbringing.

It feels... really odd.

I met someone I did not like and realized I should have known better because the person who liked him was a shallow (... I am trying to watch my usage of the "b" word. I am starting to notice how easily it rises to my lips when I feel threatened by a woman or female. It is more a defensive posture, but one that is complicit and one that has to be looked at... I wonder if showing the places I have to think around and blah helps my reader to understand... I edit. I can do work, cut it out for myself, make it so you can't see it, so... it is work... I don't always show my strings. Why should I want to? You bitches are VICIOUS!


I wanna know where:

Charles Payton
Cody Fogel

... *totally blanks* There are so many people!

Why don't we hold on to each other more instead of writing off and dismissing too quickly?

*raises hand*

Cuz I'm a failure.
(and, really, there's nothing wrong with that -- for once.)


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