Ergane in Retrograde

So I am watching Big Love (I'll link and shit later), and I am looking over my current life right now. The two, perhaps, should not be allowed together.

Anyway, in my real life, I have enacted a strict "Real and not Real" relationship dispersals. I find this hard. It is as if I am snipping off my every hope. My highest ideals, because I didn't real share the same as the person across from me. Right now, I have a very strong need for the world to make sense for me. Not merely because I need to exhibit control over my world, but because if I am ever going to get up, I need to make sure that, standing, I have the net beneath me that will give me the confidence I need to find the higher dark truths and the light that lies inside of it. Living, itself, is a kind of horror story. I need to know... it seems from everybody I know... I am demanding to know whether what I saw was real... or was it not real. Sometimes, I have to accept the truth there and move through it -- unbutton my soul like changing my relationships with the sensitivity that comes from wearing a collar for too long. "Change is God" indeed. (I think I want to read Kindred ... maybe my treasure lies elsehere... -- catch that drift.)

I like Big Love because YES human relationships are complex and miserable. However, why do I feel constantly under attack for insisting they don't have to be miserable? That everyone CAN be happy. That we can like each other again and make great things happen. Yes, we need to figure out how this thing we call civilization works. YES we need people who can communicate those stories we aren't talking about and I DON'T just mean the... well... horribly awkward hate and tough love shit white people expect from each other... we can all change that, know what that represents and

Ok, that little white girl just scared the shit out of me.