Thursday, April 14, 2005

Ergane in Retrograde

Ergane in Retrograde

*grr* I should mess with this during the day when my attitude is less still and dark.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Fucking Hell... these unevolved humans!/or/ I got a headache

Went to an ADC (artistic direction committee) function today. For the most part, it was very good. For the most part.

For a while, this will seem disconnected... but then, I am pretty annoyed and frustrated.

@ Why are you annoyed?

Because I am tired of people deciding I am being disagreeable simply because I disagree with them. I understand that not every word coming out of my mouth is gold, they should understand that every idea coming out of their heads is not gold.

Maybe I am in the wrong business here.

@ What was the thing with heterosexuality?

Ok. Here's the thing with heterosexuality. I don't mind heterosexuals -- some of my best friends are straight, as the song goes. However, I don't always think white male homosexuals realize what they do with heterosexuality... or... wait... this applies to males across the board stuck, as it were, in partiarchal representations of maleness and masculinity.

Check: It offends me when a str8 male says he came to sing with the fairies because he knew he would be welcomed.

It offends me the same way white people say/know they can come into our communities and/or circles and be welcomed.

I don't like the way no one besides myself picks up on the inherent privilege.

I would be happy singing in a chorus where no one was heterosexual -- I don't need heterosexuality to validate *me* and I think it is a shame for *anyone* to need that. That's BULLSHIT.

Just as, I would be happy being in a community or space without white people. I don't need white people to validate *me* and I think it is a shame for anyone to *need* that. That's BULLSHIT.

I would be happy being in a community or space without butch/masculine-identified people. I don't need butch/masculine-identified people to validate me. I think it is a *shame* for anyone to need that. That's BULLSHIT.

Seriously, without really deconstructing this any more, are people that complacant with the ways in which they have been made to accept and perpetuate their oppression?

And do I have to be ok with it in order to "get along"?

I'm sorry. Normativity does not excite me as much as makes me either chuckle, clown, or just stay away from... and not because I am "abnormal" -- but because anyone who would insist on normalacy is obviously not normal and will probably hurt you as soon as they get the chance.

But that isn't really at issue here. What is at issue? That I am in a community with people who think it is cool when a heterosexual "man" gives him, a homosexual "man," a hug "when he needs it."

What a bunch of fucking CROCK OF MUhFUCKING SHIT!

What year is it, folks? Hmmm? What year? Do we still need to pat heterosexuals on the back for not thinking "teh gay" is communicable? When oh WHEN will we begin to really accept our OWN FUCKING HUMANITY???

And *especially* when this statement comes from someone rather terrified when a "homosexual male" tries to give him a hug "when he needs it"!

I am SO TICKED OFF about that!

I am also ticked off that people have decided, for whatever reason, that I am not hearing them. Do I really have to pretend people are slam STUPID and repeat what they said, verbatim, before pointing out a point overlooked? Today, I kept getting these... moments... where someone would say something like, "The sky has clouds in it." And I would say, "Sometimes, the sky does *not* have clouds in it." And they would look around with this really confused look on their face and say, "The SKY has CLOUDS in it." Then look around with this self-satisfied look on their faces like, "Boy, is HE ever stupid." And I respond with an edge of "mothafucka, don't be a fucking asshole or I will ram my foot right in it!", "The sky does not always have clouds in it."

Or course, maybe I should just shut up... my mom always did say I "had to have the last word" but it gets me when someone thinks I didn't hear them just because I am trouble shooting or noticing some other perspective or angle. It burns me the fuck up.

I don't know what to do. It seems I speak one language and the world speaks another one and I can hear their language, but they can't hear mine even when I speak in their language and somehow, SOMEHOW... I am just wrong.

But I don't want to be wrong and I don't need to be right, I need to be heard. Nothing I have written here, to be, is very... transgressive or cutting edge at all... it's common fucking sense. Homosexuals have a tendency to rever heterosexuality and heterosexuals love the fuck out of it.

As a person of color, as a person who does not deal in this gender bullshit at all if I can help it, as a person with a brain who has been around and seen shit... I think we should practice, as a race (human in case anyone reads this), NOT buying into specious shit. Specious shit is DANGEROUS shit.

*clears throat*

... the word for the day is "specious."

It would join words like "heterosexuality" and "normativity" and "patriarcy"
It would inform the freeing of one's mind so that it questions to accept
instead of accepts without questioning
isn't fascism built on that premise?

But Mercury is in retrograde
and my heart should attempt to not fume
it would be better to just enjoy my time at home
without feeling the pressure of words unsaid
understanding themselves and wanting to microwave
brains from the inside like that weapon that nearly
nukked Signey Bristow.

I think I am back to defensive posture again.
Arms across heart and fists oddly ready.
Where I was fitting into the world,
my place was reneged on and I haven't the heart
to undergo any of it again... so that's my stance for right now.

...maybe not in all situations -- we'll see.
But I forget "bootlickers" aren't just B/black.

I am purged.


Love Train

So, flirting with the idea a second time, in a second place has given birth through a chance reconnection with one of the people I respect a lot. *grins* There is a bond shared when you lotion your ashy knees together.

This'll be fun. As much as I love my space over on LiveJournal, the idea of writing without consideration of people reading is welcome. *smiles* Yes indeedy, this'll be fun!