Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Ego Moments

Waking up is getting easier and easier. I am learning to quickly analyze the reason why I am awake and tend to it so I can go back to sleep. Use the bathroom. Shake off my thoughts so my dreams move on. Last night, I was drying out. I decided to use Mucinex because I have been so stuffy lately! Well, I was looking for something like Benedryl, but we don't have any... so, the bo-bo Mucinex DM will do. And did. I didn't wake up for the remainder of the night.

But what I really want to write about is how cool it is to bike to school when the kids are in the yard.

Opening the gate when it is fully shut with my bike in tow is always a bit of a hassle and today, I was all bouncy as "Cherish" by Madonna rang in my ears.

"Perish the thought of ever leaving/ I never would!"

Then I heard Zaineb calling my name, "QUEN-TIN! QUEN-TIN!" I turned my iPod down real low, then acknowledged her. She started to run towards me, but I had no idea whether she could come that far, so I hurried up and finished my gate business and rode my bike over to her. She's in love with my horn. It is pink and terribly cute AND gay. She sqeaked it three times in quick procession. Then I told her I was going to chain up my bike -- and I was -- but also, I get a big kick out of beating the bus. The kids are always like, "You beat us! We saw you on your bike!"

See, what this is... is a feeling of belonging and constant acknowledgement. I feel like a pop star as kids that are "mine" come and greet me and kids that are not "mine" do, too. Especially since I have been listening to Mariah Carey's first album on my iPod, I feel like I am in highschool again and I am popular, but this time, I know it and knowing helps me do my job better because I *want* to be here.

Yesterday... didn't go as well. I left early thinking I would eat and then go home and take a nap. Only it took forEVER for a bus to come and I was outside, in the rain, with my back going out, thinking about how I ignored all these signs that told me to stay at school. I should have paid attention to that. I should have, but I did not.

Anyway, I need to talk to Teresa. I don't want to continue doing nothing until 9:40 am -- although it does suit me, or will once I start to do guided reading with my own crew of second graders -- and wouldn't you know they gave me the two most behaviorally difficult boys in the class. *flares nostrils* But I want to talk to her because I want to tutor that little girl whose mom asked that she be tutored. She wants to read and I have a slot for her! Maybe, just maybe I could take my oats home and breakfast at home. That worked out well this morning where I had an old whore's diet of veggie fried rice and a spring roll and fried chicken wings (... I know... it makes me scratch my head, too...)...

If I don't talk to her, it is because I am trying to stay in a beginner's mind and a beginner doesn't start suggesting ways in which their time can be best spent. (... do they?)

... yeah, I am working on my inner diva. Mediating her, not diminishing her... helping her to grow.

But it sure is humbling when kids know your name and are happy to see you and greet your smiles with little shiny smiles of their own.


P.S. Err... I like comments... even if it is to say hi. Blogger never caught on with me like LJ because it always seemed so.... lonely.

I'm a Libra cusp Scorp. The Scorp part doesn't mind being alone and finds it restorative even... but not the Libra part!


Oh, and Adbi likes to get off the bus and be funny in his own Adbi way. He told me I am girl yesterday because of my long hair and earrings in my ears and nose. Oh, Abdi... if only it were THAT simple!

Also, Quinn (from Mr. Luke's class) has an older brother named Max who was trying to run up the wall. It was in a safe way, so I didn't say much of anything.

*hums happily*

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Tuesday, March 25, 2008

... and some just think it goes too fast...

It is lunch time for me here at Cooper Elementary. Boy, am I starving. In my mind's eye, I see myself flying down the hill into the arms of Subway at the bottom. The only thing conflicting with this vision and the activating of it is my tiredness.

While the 4/5th graders were sorta fun (they are a bunch of really cool kids that I am not sure why we tutor since they are so smart and engaged anyway -- you know, aside from some very *minor* focus issues), Kaitleen... was a mess. Well, she's always a mess in a manner, but a totally adorable one. When her bangs grow down into her face, over her eyes, it looks natural. Without them now for two/three weeks, she hides behind her hands. Sadness. She smiles a lot. Her voice a shade above a whisper. I adore her -- she doesn't even know my name. She has troubles with the ending phoneme. But that's not the part I have to have patience with... it's with the:

"Ok, I want you to point and sound each word for me and then blend the word together."

"/t/ /a/ /p/.... Tam?"

*head desk*

So, I am not really in the mood for anything but a little reflection... besides, I would have to time it perfectly for when the next 125 is passing... you know what? I might do that anyway. I'd miss Mr. Luke's class -- and I adore those kids, but I would get Mrs. Schmidt's class -- whom I adore as well... and they are 3rd graders!

Ugh, point-blank, I am not going to be able to survive this day without something. And then I am calling to make appointments with a dentist and sleep study people who are NOT there because we have the same lunch and there are all these literary night events to sign up for and I have to do it because I could really use the hours -- especially as we move towards the END OF THE SCHOOL YEAR in a couple of months. Goodness... what then?!?!?!?!?!

Tonight, I have plans to go to Jes' literacy night, but Pat and Erica are at the other one and that makes me wanna go to it. (And Yvelle and Edmund....)

Five minutes... I have been checking bus schedules and thinking too much and now, all I really wanna do is go home. Grrr. I wish this computer wasn't a p.o.s. and I could at least see a terrain map if not a satellite... so I can think about where I am carting me and my... and whether I *should* take my bike.

I am super late for Mr. Luke's class now. I am being inudated with Autumn's kids who are looking for her -- they adore her. My kids adore me, too, and they know I am here. *le sigh* Lemme get back to them.

Two Minutes

If I make it through this day, it won't be a miracle. It will be a feat.

I want to take a nap SO badly. Instead, I get to do guided reading (and comprehension) with 4th graders and THEN I get Kaitlen who is like SO adorb.

Ok, bell rang. Off I stumble.

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Monday, March 24, 2008

Can we do it....

So, I have George Michael on my mind. Blame Anyway, I am back at the end of my day.

Today, we had a fire drill. This after Mrs. Schmidt's class where Alonzo was just... he nearly missed out on computer time, but he finished his work and was allowed to leave. Today, I worked with Alonzo, Ian, Najib, and Dylan -- if only because I always include Dylan. I *know* I've seen him before...

I spend time, sometimes, thinking about who these children will be when they grow up. Will they remember me? Will I have made enough difference on them that they will be accepting of all kinds of people? I can't know these answer unless I stay, somehow, connect to them and the community. But it isn't lost on me how darn fragile it all is.

The fire drill thwarted my intentions to have Hanouk read to me...even if I fell down in the process -- but I don't think he was here anyway. I have partially decided to replace Mrs. Rockwell's ELL (English language learer) with another one -- perhaps this one willl be right.

I am so tired I can barely keep my eyes opened and there's the most adorable 5th grader watching me weave in and out of sleep. Whatever's I've worked 8 hours.

The bell just rang. It is all I can do to not put on my bike gear and get the hell outta dodge.

Who am I kidding?

I did enjoy Mr. Luke's and Mrs. Schmidt's class.

Who am I kidding , tired HIPPO.

Th other sad thing?

I drank the rest of my shot this or yesterda's morning....

Moving back in... for real

I have no choice. Most every outlet is blocked -- which isn't such a horrible thing. However, more than ever before, I have a need to write -- especially as I feel I am falling out of contact with my friends. I am not certain how much trash-talking I am going to engage in, but I know it really rides on my mood so I won't stress it.

Today is one of those magical given days. Not only is the moon newly in Scorpio, creating a personal new moon for me, but it is also in the same lunar phase as when I was born. The reason why moon in Scorpio is my personal new moon as opposed to moon in Libra is because my Sun is so close to Scorpio, moon in Libra doesn't effect my sun at all. The affect of a personal new moon is that you feel, generally, more energized and happy.

Last night, I fell asleep while twisting my locs. I woke up at 11:18, finished the few, and then got on-line for longer than I need. It's amazing -- no matter how sleepy I am, the internet never fails to awaken me... unless I am really tired at which point I fall off in my chair. This morning was a good morning. I started reading The Salt Ecstasies by James L. White. I get the feeling I am meant to meditate on them more. Check this one out:

Taken to a Room

Taken to a room with you asleep,
I want to touch you there
beneath the galaxy of star quilt.
You unfolf letting me into the warmth
and everything rises from my dick to my breath
saying we are here.

In my mind I kiss you away, your beard
and earring, the tattooed heart of Christ
on your chest, and remember
a prison boy named Rubio,
then I kiss down on all of you.

Now I'm taken to a room fully awake
and warned my imagination is out of hand.
They show me a solo screaming bed
and quilt of falling stars.
I pant hard over this poem
wanting to write your body again.

In this totally conscious poem
you're gone and they unplug my systems,
my heart, my lungs, my brains.
In front of the crowd they flash blinding lights
on my crotch and neuter me down to a smile.

I try to think about your eyes
and remember nothing.
Now they drag me off to the next room
where the real work begins.


Isn't that... hauntingly marvelous?


My first graders are on a field trip today. Which leaves only my second graders and third graders -- really. My 4/5th graders go to the computer room on Mondays. Autumn, my AmeriCorps mate, isn't here. So I am left to my own devices. I could be reading Sound Partners Implementation manual -- but I might need to read it over my school's Spring Break in order to get hours.

I feel like I am going too fast and telling the world, but not showing anything. I have been so wound tight without any place to really talk about what's been going on in my life since I decided to get back in the world of others. It's been.... quite a ride.

But maybe beginnings, as I have always suspected, are just really horrible ways to structure one's writing. "I was born." -- that's it. The rest is invention.

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